Back when I was living at home, my mother had sophisticated force field technology that prevented me from using the stove; I believe the shield was called something along the lines of “you’re inferior to me in every way possible when it comes to the culinary arts, the toaster is that way.”

So, welcome to this incredibly poverty edition of MTV cribs featuring some of the food I make during the week to keep me from becoming iThin. I favour recipes that I can cook in bulk so that I have lunch and more dinner for the future.

Without further ado…

One Pot Creamy Chicken and Mushroom Pasta

Key Ingredients:

Pasta of choice

Chicken

Mushroom

Spinach

Thickened cream

Step 1: I like to boil my water in a kettle whilst my pot is getting hot as it saves time

Step 2: Pour boiling water into pot, then add spaghetti/fettucine/angel hair pasta.

Step 3: Do a little dance, make a little love.

Step 4: Give the pasta 10-12 minutes, pull out a strand to see if it’s ready.

Step 5: Once ready, drain and put to the side. Sort of like how you put all of your dreams and goals on hold once you got married.

Step 6:  Heat olive oil in a pot on medium heat and throw some vampire repellent in there; garlic will do as well. Don’t let the garlic get too brown unless you’re aiming for burnt and bitter garlic.

Step 7: Throw your chicken in there. I like thigh meat but can’t really argue with some nice diced breast fillets (they should already be marinated, shame on you if they’re not). Cook on both sides for about 7 minutes, don’t under cook these bad boys.

Step 8: Remove chicken, throw spinach in there and let the leaves wilt before throwing some cream in there. I usually go with about 75 ml because I like to let the other flavours shine through but to each their own.

Step 9: Season again! Salt, pepper, chicken bullion powder are my go-to condiments at this stage. Bring your creamy mixture to a boil then throw the chicken back in the pot.

Step 10: Let’s invite all of the original cast back. Throw the pasta back in, pull some oregano out of nowhere and stir through thoroughly. Chili flakes from out of nowhere also help bring all of this to life.

Step 11: You’re done! Hope you didn’t accidentally end up with scrambled eggs following my recipe.

Chicken Vermicelli Bowl

Ingredients:

BBQ chicken

Rocket

Chili bamboo shoots

Vermicelli noodles

Step 1: Go to Woolworths and buy what you don’t already have sitting around the kitchen. Avoid going grocery shopping whilst hungry or you’ll end up with ice cream, nuts, chips, cheese and crackers in there even if you were originally aiming to just buy broccoli.

Step 2: Return home and put two vermicelli servings in a large bowl with boiling water. Cover and let cook for 10 minutes, make sure you stir at around the 8 minute mark.

Step 3: Whilst your vermicelli is cooking, shred some chicken, rip open the bag of rocket, take the lid off your bamboo and call your parents for once.

Step 4: Drain your vermicelli and throw chicken, bamboo and rocket in there. Season with condiments of choice (I like sriracha and lime; or seasoned dumpling soy sauce if you have it).

Step 5: You’re done.  Easiest attained noods of your life.

Kimchi Fried Rice

Ingredients:

Kimchi

Day old rice OR microwaveable rice (white, brown, green; doesn’t really matter).

Eggs/bacon/love (Optional)

Step 1: Dice your bacon and fry those bad boys up in a frying pan.

Step 2: Take bacon out and roast your kimchi with the bacon grease. You could also call it fat, overly fermented and funny smelling if you want to roast it like the kids do in messaging apps these days.

Step 3: Take your kimchi out and scramble a couple of eggs.

Step 4: Take eggs out and throw in your rice. Throw some soy sauce in there for some colour (even though the kimchi is sure to stain it once you reintroduce it to the pan as well).

Step 5: Throw all of your ingredients in the frying pan and stir through. Finish with sesame seeds, shallots and a Michael Jordanesque fist pump for good measure.

Spam & Egg Rolls

Ingredients:

Eggs

Spam

Breadtop rolls

Sriracha & kewpie mayonaise

Step 1: Fry your spam. Yes, yes you can sub this out for bacon or pork chops but spam is Godlike. Korean spam especially.

Step 2: Make your eggs the way you want. Seriously, do whatever you like: fry, scramble, poach, hard boil; it’s all good in Isaac’s hood.

Step 3: Halve your rolls and lightly toast. Mix up sriracha and kewpie mayo and spread on to the rolls before throwing the spam and eggs into the mix.

Step 4: Finish with some spring onions or lettuce if you really want to.

Medium McChicken Meal with 6 Pack of McNuggets

Ingredients:

Google Pixel XL

UberEATS

Step 1: Ensure phone is adequately charged to open UberEATS (10% will do, 5% if you’re feeling frisky).

Step 2: Pick Haberfield McDonald’s (it’s the perfect restaurant for me as it’s always of a high quality and close enough that the Fries will still be crunchy enough upon delivery).

Step 3: Select a medium McChicken Meal with fries and a 6 pack of McNuggets (I go with BBQ sauce but you do you).

Step 4 (Optional): Put pants on to ensure your delivery driver doesn’t scream in horror when you open the door.

Step 5: Eat food whilst humming “I’m loving it.”

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(Editor’s note: Massive thank you to my friends over at Maxwell & Williams for sending over some Godlike dinner sets and dinner plates allowing me to graduate from hand-me-downs and paper plates).